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What can I say, honestly, 2017, was one hell of a ride. A ride that had enough ups and downs to make this really quite the memorable year it was. Truly grateful though, for everything that had occurred and I couldn't have wished for more or less of what I got. It was pretty much a year filled with my own individual milestones, yet i think what really made it truly memorable was how it was integrated with all the other external happenings at the side. 

There was probably lots to learn about myself with the milestones achieved and all, but I think more significantly, I managed to learn a lot about others this year. At every step of the way, the people close and dear to me simply left me amazed, showing me sides of themselves that were just so...humbling and heartwarming. It was honestly really so touching to witness first hand the power of unconditional love and support and how much it can affect and change how you view things. Thank you Allah, really, for all that you have shown me through my loved ones. Observing it from the more external side has really made me appreciate them better and I think I am even more firm in my belief of blessings in disguise. 

With that being said, while I've witnessed how people around me are and admired their characters, personalities and struggles etc, I think at some point of time, I got very comfortable being that "external" character focusing on how others are like and feeling good for them but in some sense I was neglecting my own personal growth? Or perhaps, the way in which I would grow has shifted? I'm not too sure honestly. But I am really truly sincerely very grateful for all the interactions I had with others. I guess that's the beauty of it. Even the way in which I grow as a person will continue to change. And as long as I keep thinking about it, there is always something to learn (for myself) from every interaction that I make. So I will make sure to cherish and appreciate all the interactions I have with the people around me and not take them lightly. 

Which probably brings me to a point on pondering and thinking. Generally, I feel this year was more of "acting" for me, where I was largely going with the flow of firstly, getting through FYP, experiencing the challenges and rewards it had to offer me, then followed by finishing school, eventually graduating and finding a job.  It was pretty much like a step-by-step process that had to be done and I was really just going with the flow of things and Alhamdulillah, Allah has indeed made that transition for me easy. I am indeed very blessed in this sense. 

But it also made me realise that I lost a lot of my pondering and thinking time. Just those simple moments to just sit down and think about things. Reflect and ponder. The daily routine of things made it easy to just go with the flow of things without really putting much thought into things. Of course its not like its entirely a bad thing in a sense that doing that leaves lesser room for the overthinking that will make you mentally unstable but it also leaves lesser room for the thoughtful pondering that will make you mentally more stable. The lesser I think about my own development, or the lack of it, there is definitely a tendency to just...not do anything about it. And this feels good or should I say comfortable? To just not do anything and go with the flow, honestly. But on hindsight, its not exactly that great for my well-being. And a large part of it has to do with how I genuinely feel disconnected. That status-quo feeling. Its funny how, externally, with things happening in my life, it was more of an exponential kind of experience, yet on the inside, I felt that I pretty much was just plateauing. Maybe its because I am just comfortable with who I am now. Maybe its because I feel stable. But maybe its also because I genuinely am plateauing, spiritually. 

So this is where I realise that probably, even if one is comfortable with how they are like, and it boosts confidence and self-esteem quite a fair bit, this feeling actually dangerously borderlines complacency. That complacent feeling that you don't need to take any further action. You can just stay the way you are right now. That you are good now the way you are. But honestly, the ideal is probably to always feel that while you are indeed good the way you are now, you can be better. There should be that element of contentment yet motivation to be better. And this combats complacency.  Remember, that this world is where your develop as a human, as a servant and your goal is what comes after, after death. Let those exponential external experiences develop your inner state to be more spiritually aware and this way, you honestly can appreciate what its like to have the best of both worlds.

I honestly hope that with whatever I have said today, I can always be reminded of the fact that I am always still lacking and I don't have to feel bad about lacking but I should instead feel motivated to lack less. I need to humble myself and stay away from complacency. This honestly plagues me quite often and I am grateful that I am blessed to have people around me to always remind me that there is always, always room for development. 

Thank You for granting me a 2017 that was indeed full of lessons (although belatedly), but I earnestly hope that this gives me more motivation in 2018 to be more spiritually conscious, InshaAllah. Ameen.

beautiful, always.

"It doesn’t make sense to call ourselves ugly, because we don’t really see ourselves. We don’t watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up and silent with chests rising and falling with our own rhythm. We don’t see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don’t see yourself looking at someone with love and care inside your heart. There’s no mirror in your way when you’re laughing and smiling and happiness is leaking out of you. You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly yourself." - Unknown

Everyone has a self that is exclusively theirs and no one can take that away from you.

Reminder.

Feeling disconnected is something that just creeps into your soul and bit by bit, slowly yet surely, that connection becomes so blurry, so forgotten and so taken advantaged of.

Then something comes along. A happening. Be it something good or bad. And suddenly you are jolted to be connected back again. But the connection can never be like what it used to be, in reference to that very first time you really felt that true, deep, connection for yourself. And you will always find yourself searching for that, over and over again. But because you let yourself put aside that connection, failed to maintain it, thought it would always be there, that connection unfortunately remains...distant.

But not all is lost. Decide and actively tell yourself to be consistent and steadfast. Your faith will never leave and let you down. Only you can let it down. If you don't disappoint yourself, it won't disappoint you.

Ramadhan is here

While reading back on some reflections I made on the first day of Ramadhan in 2015, I came across a particular point I felt it would be good to share and also as a form of reminder to myself.

"I came across an article about the reasons why Muslims are happy during Ramadhan and one particular point really struck home for me. During Ramadhan, Muslims see their potential. Why? What potential? And then I read on. I totally forgot that during Ramadhan, one major source of our weakness is kept away and locked...During Ramadhan you [thus] see your true potential, without that external force you can [put your] blame on, or that might weaken you. Its just YOU and YOUR efforts. As it is. Hence, its truly one of the best times to reflect on your character and pay more careful attention to your behavior and actions. Hence I feel that this Ramadhan would really be about me trying to firstly identify my raw weaknesses as a Muslim, as a human, try to see my potential and try to fix things from there. I might not be able to discover everything, but I shall slowly try, in shaa Allah."

This was pretty apt to read again, and to explain why some might feel happy, I guess its because some finally realise what their true capabilities are and that they have that potential in them to fight whatever that needs to be fought. Its whether they've prepared themselves well enough to do so or not.

I truly hope every Ramadhan will be like this for me. With this in mind, in shaa Allah I will be able to see what changes/improvements has been made since the last Ramadhan (should there be any) and then work towards strengthening my heart and soul for what's to come, in shaa Allah.

Ramadhan kareem and May Allah bless us with a meaningful month :)

Warmth.

There's this level of moderation to warmth that makes it so comforting.

Its not too this and not too that. It's literally just right.
It has that balance of not leaning towards one side of a particular emotion.
And that somehow is just very, very, very, comforting.
A steady, stable state that makes me feel more at ease.
A comforting phase that just puts everything back into place.

There will always be struggle. You just have to pick who you want to struggle with.

- Before We Go (2015)

Thought this was a nice quote from the movie. I think cause I was just naturally drawn to the word struggle HAHA but okay, I guess it puts things in a different perspective when you're out there trying to find that someone you can connect with and stuff. Deciding what kind of person you would want to spend the rest of your life with and all. I don't know if thinking about whether you can struggle with that person would be the first thing on your mind when you meet someone, but it something to think about. At least for me haha.

And I guess not necessarily just for that "right" person but really for everyone else in your life. You're bound to face struggles at almost every point in your life and I guess if you're blessed enough, you'd have people to share that struggle with to help make things easier to get through. And that's probably why those people are still in your life. Cause you had your fair share of "sharing struggles" together. A struggle is really a very broad term and it can mean anything really. It's up to whoever who wants to define what struggle is to them. So here is to everyone whom I've struggled with, whether you know it or not ;)

AND WELL LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, LIFE IS A BEAUTIFUL STRUGGLE~ I really, do believe in it. Haha.

:")

Yes, it's already 2nd January, and I have yet to post my Annual Reflection haha! But not to worry, I will post one soon ( but lol okay not like anyone reads this, really more for myself haha ). Anyways, I just want to feel more settled down before I start on that post and today I decided to read back some of the written diaries I had that documented stories from 2007 to 2013. HAHA me being me, I'm very inconsistent so there weren't a lot of written entries la haha! But okay, I thought it'd be quite apt to just see what I was like then ( in my own words LOL ) and it really was quite interesting, amusing but ultimately, it made me quite emotional HAHA (hence this post really). But okay I'm not going to get into the details of things, but it's indeed nice to know that I've been relatively consistent in what I believe in, which is really pretty damn cool. And really just very thankful, for everything that has happened to me thus far, really, Alhamdulillah. Truly blessed to have been able to meet all those people in my life and more importantly to still be very much connected to those that really, truly, matter :").

THANK YOU ERRBODY <3